I know we’ve all seen the post, check on your strong friends circulating. I am definitely that person, who carries a million people (I feel like), on my back, I am not complaining, I am actually beyond grateful for the gifts God has placed inside of me. However, I would be lying if I said things don’t get hard for me.
I serve as a school counselor at a high school in the inner city of Dallas Texas. I constantly have students in and out of my office, but especially my little black girls, who believe they always have to be tough. That it is weak to cry, and I am always encouraging them to do the opposite.
Last weekend I felt like the little girl in my office, the weight of the world felt like it came crashing down on me!!!
At that moment I cried for hours, to the point that I gave myself a headache, because I felt like I couldn’t go on (mentally and physically). I wanted to be in my place of vulnerability and fall into the embrace of someone’s arms.
I started to think about everyone that I am tied to. I can’t call momma, she has too many other children in tougher situations then me, so just press through Kendal.
I wanted to call my friends and I thought to myself, everyone is battling their own situations right now, they don’t have the capacity to be there for you. So, I cried….louder….harder.
I felt so alone in that moment, now I know, most of my spiritual followers would say, girl call on the lord. I did! But I’ll be honest in the midst of my pain and me feeling tired, talking to God in that moment, I still felt neglected. I still felt like why would you bring me all of this( lol things I have prayed for smh), just to abandoned me?
I asked God, surely you didn’t bless me with these gifts to walk alone, where is my purpose partner? God didn’t answer that prayer in the moment, but he reminded me that he has someone for me, designed for just for me………. But despite me still being single (currently), whatever he has presented to me, he has given me the ability to walk into his purpose alone. That in the moments of feeling exhaustion, I have to press into my community. I didn’t want to share this because I am not all the way comfortable with being vulnerable, however I requested prayers and the out pour in love was so overwhelming in a good way. God sent people to encourage me throughout the entire week. My heart was so full, and I was beyond thankful. Filling up the emptiness that I felt with not only love and joy, but my purpose reignited.
Which leads me to my next point……
Life update: So, within the past six months. I moved (if you know me, then you know I hate change) (sighs), however I love my apartment. I prayed and God delivered for sure. My daughter not only started high school, but she also is taking college classes her freshman year, so that was a huge adjustment, in addition to her moving and having to make new friends. Finally and still a soft spot, my cousin passed away unexpectedly in September, so at the height of all these changes, I lost a loved one. Someone that I believed would be healed. It was a really hard death for me especially after losing my auntie a few years back. The tough part about this all is I feel guilty when I am not ok, being a mom, a counselor, a big sister, a daughter and a friend, gives me the idea that I can’t be ok…….so I just keep going but not in the most efficient manner. So, the abandonment of this blog was the side effect of me gassing out.
I know I have been missing in action for some months now, but God reminded me to not let my circumstances around me hinder me from doing kingdoms work. So, I will continue to be consistent with my writing and the expansion of my brand. I just pray you all continue to follow and support my journey as your sista on the sofa.
What’s come for the remainder of 2019:
Grief and Facing the Holiday Season
Counseling My Ministry (personal testimony)
Battling Seasonal Depression
Anxiety! Is That A White Person Thing?
Before I leave, I want to encourage you all to remember , that we are human, if we could do it all we wouldn’t need God. But how good is our God, that he has left us with not only his word but the holy spirit, which is our comforter. God used so many people this week willing or unwilling to be there for me. This scripture was a reminder for me to meditate on, when this feeling comes around again.
Isiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Thank you for your support.
Sincerely your sista on the sofa,