Attachment Styles and Relationships

The purpose of this blog is to get a better understanding of how our strengths and vulnerabilities relate to our relationships. One way we can discover this is through our attachment styles.

Our attachment styles are established in our early childhood and currently affects how we relate to others romantically.

For example, when you have a secure attachment style, you are confident and self-assured. It is easy to interact with others, meeting both your own needs and your spouse’s and needs.


Let’s explore the styles more in depth:

Secure Attachment – Securely attached adults tend to be more satisfied in their relationships. As a child with a secure attachment you saw your parent as a secure safe place. You knew it was safe to explore the world independently but had someone who was reliant.  A secure adult has a similar relationship with their romantic partner, feeling secure and connected, while allowing themselves and their partner to move freely. Secure adults offer support when their partner feels distressed. They also go to their partner for comfort when they themselves feel troubled. Their relationship tends to be honest, open and equal, with both people feeling independent, yet loving towards one another. 

Anxious Attachment – different from securely attached couples, people with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate for the feeling of what they identify with as real love or trust toward their partner.  They are always looking for emotional validation. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue them in some kind of way or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away. For example, when they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner. They may find themselves jealous of when their partner leaves to hang out with friends and questions those actions with their spouse not really loving them.

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment – People with a dismissive avoidant attachment typically are emotionally distant from their partner. They tend to seek isolation, extremely independent and tells their self often they don’t need a relationship. They often come off as focused on themselves and are creatures of habit typically. Denying that part of ourselves which is absolutely natural and we all need relations. This style person will detach easily and shutdown emotionally. What it looks like in a relationship is your partner saying they don’t care if you walk out on them and they may even have their bags packed ready for the exit.


Finally – Fearful Avoidant Attachment – A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an indecisive state, in which they are afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms. They tend to be mixed up or impulsive in their moods. They look at relationships from the perspective that you need to go toward others to get your needs met, but if you get close to others, they will hurt you. In other words, the person they want to go to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close to because they are afraid of getting let down. This causes for a very messy communicative style and all-around confusion within the relationship.

So now that I went into depth about your styles, which mix of styles can you relate to? And don’t worry I’ll be back next Sunday with ways to change your attachment style.

Happy Dating,


Your Sista on the Sofa,