Imposter Syndrome – The Perfectionist and How to Change it!

Let me start by saying the idea of imposter syndrome was so foreign to me. In my mind I was thinking why on earth would anyone doubt themselves in anyway. Until one day I was listening to the Love Hour Podcast and they had an expert therapist sharing the different types. I was inspired to write about this syndrome because it may be closer to you than what you actually think.

This week I am discussing the Perfectionist.

The perfectionist may appear to be a micromanager when it comes to work or even at home.

Struggles with delegating and you are often disappointed with the results once you do.

When you miss high goals you set, you beat yourself up and marinate on how you should have done things differently.

You truly feel like everything you do has to be perfect 100 percent of the time.

How this may be affecting your relationships:

Having super high expectations on yourself and others causes destructive communication such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt and comparison.

Let me just start with the relationship with yourself. You have to show up to everything, every time be 100 percent on, and well one…that’s not realistic and two it is exhausting! Perfectionism is literally feeding your depression and anxiety. Making it tremendously hard to love and believe in yourself.

So how does this affect your relationship with others. You may start to put unrealistic expectations on your partner. This causes destructive communication such as criticism… you are constantly putting yourself down and intentionally or unintentionally making others feel like they will never measure up to your expectations in your head. You may become defensive when people point out your mistakes or it is really hard for you take feedback. Contempt can look like sarcasm “oh babe sit down; you know you don’t know how to clean as good as do or let me make you a list because you always seem to forget something. Comparison can have you looking outside your relationship because things aren’t perfect and where your partner lacks, you see someone else who the moment seems perfect. This starts to plant a seed that may cause infidelity. Or maybe you have such high expectations on yourself that it causes you to constantly compare yourself to other people and creating self-doubt that turns into insecurities.

Whatever the case may be, do you see how destructive the Perfectionist can be?

So, what can you do if you identify with this type of imposter syndrome?

Start with extending yourself grace and others. Understand the difference between perfection (which truly does not exist versus excellence. The mindset that I am going to do this thing to the best of my ability and always set those intentions before you complete any task.

Affirm yourself, remember who you are. God created you and placed those gifts inside of you, no you are not perfect however you are : You are awesome, You are powerful, You are gifted, You are loveable and You are more than enough! Remind yourself these things on a daily and watch your mind set shift!

Remind yourself of your purpose, the reason you are on this journey is because you were hand chosen for it, regardless of what that journey is God thought so highly enough he chose you to be that kids mother, a business owner , a wife, a teacher, whatever it is, stand in that power of knowing that if you were placed there intentionally its for a reason and you will always be equipped with the right tools to rise to the occasion.

Delegate, you can’t trust other people if you never give them a chance to meet the expectation. This will also help decrease that anxiety and depression that comes from you being exhausted for trying to do everything on your own.

Learn how to fail, I think one beauty in life is the reflection of watching yourself grow. If you are perfect 100 percent of time, I will have to assume you are ok with remaining stagnant. Let go of any fear of what you may think of yourself or others and allow yourself to make mistakes. I heard someone say your first anything always sucks…. just pat yourself on the back for trying and remember to keep growing and glowing.

Finally celebrate small victories. I don’t know about you all, but my counseling job has been extremely overwhelming due to Covid. I feel like I am fighting a constant uphill battle and I had a leader tell me to celebrate small victories weekly. That advice was life changing and I really was like wow why didn’t I think of that lol. But I am grateful for the advice and I want to close with this, that putting yourself out there especially in this day and age isn’t easy regardless of what kind of relationship you are in (business, romantic, family or friendships). Celebrate those tiny milestones and the things you are getting right. Life is just more enjoyable this way. Hopefully you the Perfectionist found these tips to be helpful and

As always,

Happy Dating!


Your Sista on the Sofa,