Hello readers! I’m sorry I took a mini hiatus from you all between my 9-5 has a high school counselor (graduation season is no joke but especially during a pandemic) and launching my private practice, I was uber busy. But I am back and today I want to start a series entitled If I was their relationship coach here’s what I would do.
My first celebrity guest is Erica Mena and Safaree. Now first let me give a disclaimer I really do like both of them so in no way shape or form is this a bash post. I just want to give a breakdown of how small things over time build up and potentially destroy what could have been a healthy relationship. In this blog I will be referring to a five-minute clip I watched on Facebook.
Initially the introduction of the couple Erica says hey, Safaree says I feel like I hadn’t seen you in a while. Erica says yeah, I feel like we are roommates. Safaree states I have been sleeping in the studio. Erica says oh does it hug you back. Sarfaree lets her know that he feels like she changed after they got married.
Immediately I recognize there is a communication issue. Two things that should be implemented immediately for this couple.
One is the state of the union. The state of the union is a tool used by the Gothman institute to help guide couples with a once a week meeting. The purpose of the meeting is to let one another know what is going well in the relationship and where improvement is needed and appreciated.
Secondly to feel like roommates means there is a lack of intimacy well how do we fix that two ways first establish a ritual ( this can be anything from drinking coffee and tea in the morning, to working out together or going on a walk) just be intentional about it and make sure you incorporate a kiss as well in the ritual.
Also date night (I know what yall are thinking here she goes again with the date night thing) I preach over and over again because it is vital to a healthy relationship. Safaree and Erica are both fun, romantic and sensitive (they are water signs Cancer and Scorpio) so yall already know the need to feel love and valued through time and affection this is the perfect way to establish that type of connection.
Next Safaree states that he feels calm at the studio, which in other words its peaceful. So, as women how can we create a peaceful environment:
Erica can be : supportive, warm, gentle, cooperative, understanding and sweet.
Sarafee should also be : a leader, set the tone in the home, don’t run away from his emotions, keeps his heart and mind pure, makes his wife feel safe and secure.
Another tip that I called loved deposits would also be beneficial for this couple. Erica said you don’t seem into me the way you were before. Doing small but intentional things like buying flowers, order her favorite Starbucks drink, setting up her favorite tv show and watching their baby girl while she watches it are all ways he can help her feel seen and appreciated.
Now Erica said something that I thought was interesting she said “ you don’t even think to let me sleep in”. I had a coworker tell me one day suggesting or waiting for me to do anything is never going to work, you have to tell me what I need to do. Men are direct and honestly if you ever sent a man to the grocery store lol you know how they work when it comes to communication. So being precise and direct is your best bet when you have a need that you want met.
Hey Sarfaree I am exhausted and I am sure you are too. Let’s work this weekend in shifts. Can I sleep in Saturday Morning and you let sleep in Sunday morning?
You know what Safaree I know we don’t have much help around here and I see you working hard to provide financially for our family, but I am overwhelmed with laundry today do you mind washing the laundry and later on I’ll order your favorite meal and give you a massage before bed.
These are just two ways communicating what you want from your partner without being aggressive but yet being direct.
Next avoid absolute in your communication “this relationship is not interesting to you anymore” Instead during the state of the union Erica could let her husband know that it feels like he isn’t interested in the relationship anymore .
Safaree was dismissive when Erica got emotional, which is a defense mechanism. What I saw was Erica in that moment trying to be heard and Safaree interrupting him doing everything wrong, its all on him. These techniques I mentioned before help create a culture in your home where it is safe to be expressive and feel heard by both parties.
I want to close with this if you are in any type of abusive relationship, these techniques will not help, please leave. I don’t know the couple personally and these are just my opinions from watching them on the internet I will say they seemed to have loved one another at some point but there is a buildup of resentment and finger pointing. Accountability is essential for any thriving relationship which comes from you spending time with yourself, the weekly meetings you have as a couple, reflect on yourself. How could I have been better this week as a husband, a wife or father and mother. Make a goal and stick to it and use the sentence stem today I will serve my wife by doing_________________ today I will serve my husband by doing_______________see how that mindset tweak may transform your relationship.
If you are looking for a relationship coach, please book a free alignment call.
Your Sista on the Sofa,