My mission as your Sista on the Sofa is to cultivate healthy relationships and divorce proof your marriage.
So, I create content with intentions to help bring awareness to specific topics to empower you and not shame or make you feel guilty.
Remember you can only win when you know the rules to the game.
This week I did a twitter thread on subtle ways you may be being disrespectful to your spouse without knowing it.
First let me start with the definition of disrespect
Disrespect is: lack of respect or courtesy
So now that we understand the definition let me dive into why being disrespectful is harmful to your relationships.
According to Gottman research contempt is the number one predictor for divorce. Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm and condescension are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language (clapping hands, rolling your eyes, and even crossing your arms when your mate is speaking). In whatever form, contempt is like venom in a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority rather you recognize it or not.
So, let me remind yall what to avoid for those who may have missed the thread.
Emotional Manipulation : You never spend time with me, everyone else always comes first or before me.
Trying to control how your spouse does certain things, where to show up to, how to show up, how to speak, where to work etc (Mothering or Fathering behavior)
Aggression: some things should go without saying but cursing your partner out, yelling, calling them names and of course physical aggression, throwing dishes, slamming doors etc.
Prying: when someone ask you 101 questions does it feel like an interrogation? Does it make you uncomfortable? (be honest) a lot of time too many questions give us anxiety and it feels like someone doesn’t trust you. This act may feel innocent, but it isn’t and not trusting your spouse especially if they hadn’t really given you a reason not to is an act of disrespect.
Avoid comparison: I remember watching the Kardashians years ago and Khloe was making some snacks for her husband at the time while he traveled for away games. Two of the other guys mentioned to her sisters how well she took care of her man. Instead of asking for what they needed they compared, this already makes your spouse feel defensive. So, I encourage you to avoid this type of behavior. And just ask for what it is you need instead
Unloading as soon as they walk in the door: We all like to feel seen and appreciated one way you can avoid making your spouse not feel that way is by not unloading on them when they come home. Allow time for them to breathe, relax and just process their day before you make any demands, request or vent.
Disregarding their feelings: don’t assume when your partner tells you they dislike something they are overreacting. The best way to challenge this mindset is by putting yourself in their shoes, this simple activity will help you change your perspective and hopefully change your behavior.
Passive aggression: Typical passive-aggressive behaviors in relationships can include freezing a partner out (refusing to talk until they guess what’s wrong), making indirect critical comments, making veiled threats, engaging in small acts of sabotage (accidentally losing something that belong to the other person or cancelling plans late notice) or using other people as a proxy for your opinions for example yeah you mom said you always are forgetful so I am not surprised you forgot today was our anniversary.
By being aware of all of the behavior patterns that contribute to relationship distress, we can hold ourselves to a standard of remaining both true to who we are and sensitive to another person. We can encourage an atmosphere of love and support, while maintaining the unique, individual qualities that drew us to each other in the first place. Creating a space to have a long-lasting healthy relationship. Remember if you are struggling with any of the things, I mentioned above feel free to book a consultation with me. Let’s see how I can serve you.
Sincerely Your Sista on the Sofa,