How Colorism Impacts Relationships

I did a piece on colorism and the impact it had on the black community as a whole about a year ago. If you hadn’t read it definitely go and check it out.

Today’s post is related to the direct impact it has in relationships. Romantic and how we treat one another as whole.

This topic has been coming up a lot. I have a client I am working with and a few men have stated, “you look like you only like light skin men”. It is extremely frustrating to have to constantly defend your case when it comes to the color of your skin within your own community.

So not only is our skin a threat in a larger system but also in a place where we should feel safe and protected.

I shared this story before I believe but I had a student who I taught gorgeous young lady, she was light skinned and she was new to the school. She literally got in a fight every day, because the young men liked her on campus and the other girls didn’t like her. I remember telling her I understand why she was leaving but it broke my heart because I couldn’t imagine that being my daughter. 

However, thinking about my own child, who is a dark skinned young lady, I can relate to the possible names that she may be called, or the isolation of not being considered beautiful because of the world standards.

I saw this researcher say that light skinned women are 23 percent more likely to marry more than darker skinned women. I did the math within my own friend group and the data was accurate. (this is not the standard across the board however the percentages did match for my close community).

So, what does this all mean for our community. Well we can’t overcome what we don’t face. If my goal and mission is to cultivate healthy relationships. To build healthy families in general but I will always target my own first, then I have to equip you all with tools, to override the effects of post traumatic slave syndrome.

This advice today is going to be brief. Instead of giving the responsibility away to others for change to take place, it has to start within our own homes. I have five brothers, five yes, I know. None of them has ever dated anyone who has my complexion or darker. My mom overheard two of my brothers saying very recently that they don’t like dark-skinned women. They don’t know why, they just don’t.

So, your challenge after reading this blog, is to build up your children, our thoughts and beliefs matter. Teach them beauty in all shades and all hair textures. Exposure is important my daughter recently saw this gorgeous deeply melanated woman on tv. She said, “wow mom she dark skinned like us, she’s pretty”. It reminded me of a place when I was searching for someone who looked like me but also was considered attractive.

I will say this we have came a long way and still have a ways to go. If you are looking for a relationship coach and counselor that understands how to heightened your value and the worth you not only possess in yourself but the value you bring to others especially your family (legacy) you will bring up after you. Click the link, I am ready to serve you.

As always readers,

Happy Dating,


Your Sista on the Sofa,