Oftentimes people believe that cheating comes out of nowhere. As a counselor and a relationship coach and someone who has personally dealt with infidelity. I want to let you know this isn’t the case. I was talking to Christina’s Dad and really did a breakdown of what takes place in the mindset of the cheater.
I identified early on, despite what instagram or twitter university tells you, that there are actual reasons why people cheat. Cheating is due to deficiencies in the relationship that leads one partner to feel lonely and devalued.
This is usually caused by a partner feeling this way is caused by couples dismissing or turning away from each other’s emotions over time.
Some examples of turning away could be when my partner was distracted by her phone or laptop while I was giving an emotional bid—an attempt for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.
She would completely ignore what I would say, disregard my response or interrupt me while I gave the bid for personal connection.
When my partner constantly turned away from building a connection, Clint developed a really toxic behavior—negative comparisons.
A negative comparison is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a harmful comparison of one’s partner to someone else. For example, when I was bickering with or feeling scorned by my partner, I would find myself comparing these interactions (negatively) to the positive attention I received from the people I met, friends, or just about anyone else in my life.
“Wow, look at her smiling at me and laughing at my jokes. I bet if I was with her, I wouldn’t be so stressed out all the time from the trivial arguments I have with my partner.”
All these examples were definitely the way he expressed would be a reason to make him step outside of a relationship.
I remember being in a relationship with him and seeing the spiral take place. I want to say it is so much easier to be intentional about having and creating a healthy home, versus being reactive and trying to save it.
I literally would see Clint spiral out of control. And down the path of I know thighs would be better if I was just with this person…….
Gottman research declares that when a person spirals down this route, they begin to focus on their partner’s negative traits and downplay their positive traits. The more times a person is caught up in a negative mindset about their partner, the more often negative comparisons are triggered and the door for potential cheating increases.
So once it happens within a serious relationship here’s what has to take place:
I always ask my clients the following :
- Are you interested in making amends? Or are you willing to leave your partner?
- Will you be able to let go of their anger and resentment towards your partner and move forward?
- Can you imagine being happy with your partner despite what they did?
A big concern may be what if they cheat again, when going through relationship counseling and coaching I will ask the couple the following :
- Does not view cheating as wrong, immoral, or unethical
- Has a casual, dismissive perspective on the cheating
- Does not take responsibility for what happened
- Has a long history of lies and deception
- Cannot communicate openly and is very secretive
- Refuses or cannot empathize with the pain and distrust caused by cheating
Yall may be wondering why Clint and I split, at the time, this was his viewpoint. So there was no overcoming of infidelity for our personal situation.
If you find yourself in this situation I will walk you through:
Learning how to take full ownership and fault of cheating. As well as patiently dealing with the repercussions of your actions.
Help you communicate the why, at this point now it is time for your partner to accept the role they may have served in the feelings of relational neglect.
Next sacrifice because the person decided to not be faithful, there is a level of openness required to regain trust. It will feel like too much, but if you want to save the relationship these steps are essential in regaining trust.
After that I will help you rebuild a new healthy relationship, by implementation of the 12 habits of a healthy couple.
Then finally this is by far the hardest part in my opinion sexual intimacy. You have to work through the thoughts of the partner being with someone else. The goal in this last stage is to get you back on the same page, same team and with the mindset of meeting your partner’s needs.
Overcoming infidelity is not an easy task, but not impossible. If you happen to find yourself in this situation please feel free to book a chemistry call and see if my method and strategies are a good fit for you.
Remember my goal is always to divorce proof your marriage, so if you are not in this situation, great, let me help you stay out of it. Book a chemistry call and I look forward to helping you attract or keep your forever plus one.
Your Sista on the Sofa,