Help My Marriage is Lacking Emotional Intimacy

I felt like we couldn’t discuss physical intimacy and sexless marriages without addressing emotional intimacy and how it translates in the bedroom.

 Your emotional connection is the ability to see the best in each other and maintain positive expectations, which is what helps couples protect their relationships from unnecessary stressors and weather the storms that do come. This is why it is a vital component to maintain in a relationship. 

So what is needed when it comes to having intimate emotional conversations.

Putting Your Feelings into Words

The first skill is being able to put one’s feelings into words. This skill was called “focusing” by master clinician Eugene Gendlin. He said that when people are able to find the right images, phrases, metaphors, and words to fit our feelings, there is a kind of “resolution” one feels on one’s body, an easing of tension. In intimate conversations, focusing makes conversations about feelings much deeper and more intimate, because the words reveal who we are.

I recently had a session at the high school I work at and the student used the mood meter to navigate his words of emotions more clearly. I saw the weight being lifted off of his shoulders due to the ability that he had a word to attach to every feeling. So he was empowered emotionally! So this is helpful. 

Asking Open-Ended Questions 

The second skill of intimate conversations is helping one’s partner explore his or her feelings by asking open-ended questions. 

Examples : 

What was it like for you in that moment?

Why do you enjoy….

What was the best part about your day today…..

Expressing Empathy

The third skill is empathy, or validation.This has been a game changer for me in my relationships.  Empathy isn’t easy. In an intimate conversation, the first two skills help us sense and explore another person’s thoughts, feelings, and needs. Empathy is shown by communication that these thoughts, feelings, and needs make sense to you. That you understand the other person’s experience. That does not mean that you necessarily agree with this person. You might, for example, have an entirely different memory or interpretation of events. Empathy means communicating that, given your partner’s perceptions, these thoughts, feelings, and needs are valid and make sense. You have your own perceptions. Both of your perceptions are valid.  Once you ater this skill set it will keep the relationship forward moving. 

By now if you have been following me, you know how important intentionally is to me and why I am a huge advocate for practicing mindfulness. Not only for yourself but your relationship.

I share a lot about the power of our words and thoughts, if you are a believer like myself we know the bible teaches us about both and the weight they both carry.  

So try to say these phrases daily as a mantra for your partner or spouse. 

May you be loved.

May you be safe.

May you be happy.

May you be at peace.

When you are at odds with a person, meditate the following to help you practice empathy. 

This person has feelings and emotions, just like me.

This person has experienced physical and emotional pain in their lifetime, just like me.

This person has felt unworthy and insecure at times, just like me.

This person is learning about life, just like me.

By far one of my favorite activities to do! Have you ever sat in meditation with your spouse ? Research suggests that meditating in tandem with another can increase feelings of closeness and a willingness to disclose intimate details over time. Meditation helps to clear away the clutter of everyday life while increasing your awareness of your innermost experience. This can help shift the way you relate to your partner: the things you share, the way you share them, and the way you listen in return.

To try this, sit face-to-face and set a timer. Close your eyes and meditate in silence or by using any guided practices that feel supportive for you both, I prefer Christian Mediattion. After the timer goes off, take turns sharing how the meditation felt for you.

You might also get creative with this. For instance, you might try short mindfulness practices while holding one another’s hands. Or, you might try syncing your breath for a short period of timing. You can also pair your inhalation with their exhalation and vice versa. Whatever method you choose, 

Remember sexual intimacy is vital to a healthy marriage, however without spiritual and emotional intimacy, the sense of togetherness will be incomplete. If you need help in this area and this post resonated with you please feel free to book a chemistry call. I look forward to serving you and your relational needs. 

As Always,

Happy Dating, 


Your Sista on the Sofa,